Developing healthy boundaries

A healthy sense of self comes from clear personal and family boundaries. Much like physical structures that define space, boundaries are what define us from one another. Be aware, however, that cultural norms vary widely regarding individual and family boundaries.


Understanding personal boundaries
The development of healthy personal boundaries begins in infancy. As early as several months of age, newborns begin to develop an interest in the external world. Near ages 5 to 10 months, infants no longer focus totally on themselves or their caregivers. If children are denied the opportunity to separate, they may begin to feel it's "bad" to have their own identities. Eventually, this may result in difficulty setting limits with others. Between ages 10 and 18 months, children become more mobile and need to separate even further from their caregivers. At this age, children often experience a sense of omnipotence and independence. For healthy development, young children need the freedom to explore their surroundings within safe limits set by their caregivers. Children who are not allowed to separate or think of themselves as individuals may grow up with difficulty controlling impulses.
As a toddler, saying the word "no" is usually a child's first verbal boundary. Saying "no" empowers the child by allowing him or her to make choices. Although you can't honor all of a child's "nos," the child needs to know his or her developing boundaries will be honored and respected. Listen respectfully to the child's "no," even if you must overrule it. It's important to balance opportunities for independence with situations in which it is not the child's choice to say "no." Also encourage children to say "no" to others when it's appropriate, especially on issues involving touch, personal space or their own bodies. For example, stop tickling when a child asks you to, and avoid forcing a child to give someone a hug if he or she is resistant. These simple steps can help teach a child he or she has the right to say "no" to unwanted touch.

By demonstrating ownership through the use of words such as "me," "my" and "mine," a child learns that he or she is a separate person and has a self to share. A child who feels loved learns to share and make sacrifices because he or she is secure enough to be able to give love away.

Respecting children's privacy at an age-appropriate level is also important. Allow children to wash, bathe and dress themselves when they're willing and able to do so. Allow children to have their own space, such as a private bedroom. If this isn't practical, make sure each child has some personal space, such as a desk in a shared bedroom. A child who has been abused may need a lock on the door to feel safe. Preteens and teens need to have privacy in the bathroom as well. Bathroom doors should be closed and no one should enter without knocking and getting permission. Also respect a child's right to have his or her own private thoughts in a diary or journal. Avoid violating a child's privacy by reading his or her private material. If you're curious or concerned about how the child is feeling, promote open communication through active listening and asking open-ended questions.

Learning to handle anger is another important element of developing healthy boundaries. Anger signals a problem that needs to be confronted. Children who learn to appropriately express anger will be more likely to recognize a situation in which someone is trying to hurt them.


How a child's personal boundaries may be damaged
Various situations may affect a child's sense of boundaries. For example, a child may become afraid to develop a separate identity if you become angry or hostile whenever the child resists direction or attempts to do something on his or her own. A child's boundaries may also be affected if the rules aren't clear and consistent. For example, the child may be confused if you're loving and permissive one day, harsh and punishing the next. (This type of dynamic is common in alcoholic and other dysfunctional families.)
If your limits are too strict or rigid, the child may not have the room he or she needs to make mistakes and learn from them. Attempts to protect or overcontrol a child may jeopardize the child's independence. On the other hand, a lack of limits coupled with a lack of connection can have the opposite effect, and a child may become aggressive and controlling.

Finally, a trauma or intensely painful emotional experience can violate a child's boundaries by damaging two of the cornerstones essential to a child's healthy growth -- the beliefs that the world is reasonably safe and that the child has some control over his or her life.


Understanding family boundaries
A healthy family system has permeable boundaries. It's flexible enough to allow family members to be part of the family system and maintain their individuality at the same time. Others from outside the family may also become part of the system from time to time, but the boundaries are firm enough to help the family members maintain their identity as a family unit. Family members are free to rely on each other as well as people outside the family when appropriate.
An unhealthy family system often lacks appropriate boundaries, resulting in blurred or enmeshed relationships both inside and outside the family unit. Family members may become extensions of each other, and confusion over the ownership of one's life may develop. This type of family system tends to be chaotic and often lacks an appropriate sense of privacy or direction.

Families with a closed system do not allow members of the outside world to enter the family system freely, if at all. The family members prefer isolation and do not want "intruders." Sacrificed flexibility and excessive family secrets, such as incest, are characteristic of a closed family system.

Many families also include subsystems, often between the spouses, parents or siblings. Crossed subsystems, such as when a parent confides in a child rather than the other parent, may indicate inappropriate coalitions and poor boundaries within the family. The result may be confusion and inappropriate development of roles within the subsystem.