Single parenting

Overview
Undoubtedly, life in a single-parent household can be stressful. As the parent, you may be overwhelmed by juggling child care, a job, the household and family finances. The struggle to balance work and family demands may be especially difficult if you have fewer resources available, including time, energy and money. Your children may feel weighed down by increased responsibility. All of you may feel a sense of powerlessness if certain aspects of your lives are dictated by legal documents, such as divorce decrees, child custody arrangements, visitation schedules and payments to former spouses.
The sometimes overwhelming "facts of life" in a single-parent household make the need for outside support, delegation skills and reasonable expectations incredibly important. With effective coping strategies, however, you can create a happy, healthy household for both yourself and your children.


Differences for elective single parents
There are many single-parent family configurations, such as parents who never married, are widowed, divorced, separated and adoptive. Elective single parents -- often adult, unmarried women who elect to become mothers on their own -- may not fit the generalizations made about other types of single parents. For example, elective single parents don't often have the usual single-parent stressors, such as conflicts with former partners and custody issues. Elective single mothers are often older, established in their careers and financially stable. Many plan their pregnancies, sometimes through artificial insemination. However, many elective single mothers are unsure how to address the issue of the "absent father" with their children -- an issue other single parents may not struggle with.
For single parents, there are some common pitfalls. For example, some single parents tend to treat their children as best friends or confidants. You may have difficulty setting limits or maintaining clear boundaries. There may be inconsistency in expectations and consequences. You might find yourself threatening contingencies, and then failing to follow through or threatening to withdraw love. Sometimes expectations of the children are not age-appropriate. If a particular type of discipline becomes ineffective, some single parents may be less likely to consider alternatives. For example, occasional time-outs can be effective for some children, but repeated time-outs may not be the best choice if they have no effect on the child's behavior. Also, there may be "do as I say, not as I do" parenting, which can send the wrong message to the children.

A successful single parent is one who accepts and integrates the role of single parent, including the challenges and responsibilities inherent in a single-parent family. You're able to prioritize your parental role, including sacrificing time, money and energy to be the best possible single parent. You use consistent, democratic and nonpunitive discipline. Your emphasis is on open communication and expression of feelings. You have the ability to foster independence and individuality within the family unit. Your positive parental modeling is a powerful way to demonstrate your values about major concerns, as well as everyday issues. You are financially self-sufficient and independent. You are positively moving forward with new life. You are able to successfully manage family time and activities. You also focus on self-care and the importance of self-nurturing. Additionally, you value and develop family rituals and traditions.


Characteristics
Physically, the stress of single parenting may result in fatigue and low energy levels.
Psychologically, you may develop low self-esteem. You may feel pulled between multiple priorities and responsibilities. Some single parents feel overwhelmed or become unable to concentrate.

Socially, you may notice conflict with family members, friends or former partners. As you place more focus on your parenting role, you may appear confused, disorganized or harried. There may be confused boundaries among family members, such as a child feeling pressure to assume the role of the missing parent or to take on parental responsibilities that are inappropriate for his or her age. You also may experience financial difficulties.

Sometimes single parenting can be more than you are able to handle at the time. Symptoms such as sleep disturbances, decreased energy, changes in appetite, anxiety, depression, inability to concentrate and hopelessness may warrant further evaluation by a health care professional.

As with all physical symptoms, consult a medical health care provider to rule out a medical condition. If these or any other symptoms cause you distress that doesn't seem to improve, seek additional help and support from a mental health care professional.


Coping strategies
Although it may seem difficult at times to be a single parent, there are effective ways to deal with the struggles. Consider the following suggestions:
Determine which issues you control. Focus on the issues you can change. Try not to worry about things you can't change.

Ask for and accept help. Delegate responsibilities when you can, and form a strong support network. Ideally, build an extended network of people who can offer both practical and emotional support. Other single parents may be especially helpful resources. You may want to seek additional professional support through individual or family counseling, support groups, mediation, or financial or legal resources.

Take care of yourself. Eating healthfully and getting enough rest and exercise, as well as accepting support from others, can do wonders for your spirits. Modeling such positive behaviors also gives your children permission to do the same. Individual activities not related to parenthood are important as well.

Emphasize strong parenting skills. Discipline your children in a consistent, democratic, nonpunitive manner. Encourage open communication and appropriate expression of feelings. It may also help to form new traditions and rituals as a family.

Consider your dating behavior. Establishing intimate relationships can be challenging when you're a single parent. Avoid placing any new partner in a parenting role prematurely. Remember, your children will need time to bond with your new partner.

Be aware of the power and influence of past marriages or relationships. Continue working through any unresolved issues. Remember, you will always have a connection to your former spouse or partner, and special events in your child's life, including birthdays, graduations and religious ceremonies, may involve contact with your ex.

Remember the power of parental modeling. Model good stress-management and conflict-resolution strategies.

Follow some helpful tips on managing the single-parent household. Create a communication board and calendar that includes all family members' activities. Encourage each family member to keep his or her schedule updated. Use family meetings as an opportunity for meaningful communication among family members. These meetings create an opportunity for family discussion, problem solving, encouragement and cooperation. Use the time to discuss family successes and rules, as well as to plan activities and vacations. If dinnertime gets absorbed into other activities, remember the importance of the family dinner as a time to reconnect with each other. Preparing and freezing meals ahead of time or planning simple menus in advance can eliminate the need to decide what to make for dinner when you walk in the door at the end of the day. When children have late afternoon or evening activities, having meals ready ahead of time can help ease the frantic pace of getting to activities on time as well.


Summary
Being a single parent is not easy. You may be frustrated at times and may even feel at the end of your rope. Remember, however, that you're not alone. Other single parents are facing the same concerns. To make the most of life as a single parent, look for the positives and take it one day at a time.