Friendships and conflict

Overview
Healthy friendships have a variety of characteristics. Friends in healthy relationships can speak candidly without fear of blame, judgment or disapproval. Contrary opinions don't endanger the friendship. They can criticize each other without being hurtful and, in turn, tolerate criticism. They are able to maintain their own personal boundaries, as well as respect each other's boundaries and self-determination. Healthy friendships allow you to take full responsibility for your own happiness and allow the other person to do the same. Those in healthy friendships accept that they cannot be controlled and have a respectful awareness of each other's strengths and limitations.
Unhealthy friendships may be characterized by emotional dependence, abusive language or behavior, controlling the other person's values and viewpoints, and disregard for each other's personal boundaries. In an unhealthy friendship, one friend may habitually avoid conflict through "people pleasing" behaviors. Or, a friend may feel pressure to conform to the other friend's expectations, often through inciting guilt. You may be willing to abandon your own thoughts or values to maintain the relationship. Those in unhealthy friendships may put other friends in between their conflicts or split themselves against other friends or family members. In some unhealthy friendships, one friend may insist on exclusivity. For example, "You can have him or me, but not both of us."


Assertiveness in relationships
Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for your own rights without violating the rights of others. This is contrasted with being passive (the inability to recognize or stand up for your own rights) or aggressive (violating the rights or boundaries of others in pursuit of self-interest). Keep in mind that assertive behaviors that seem socially appropriate to one cultural group may appear disrespectful, rude or provocative in other cultural groups. In some cases, assertive behavior may cause negative reactions from within a family or ethnic group.
Assertiveness includes three basic types of behaviors:

Making socially appropriate requests to others.
Making socially appropriate refusals to certain requests.
Expressing your feelings or opinions in a socially appropriate manner.
When you're speaking with someone, demonstrate your understanding by carefully listening to the message and then giving feedback that reflects your anticipation of a positive outcome. State the issue as you understood it and explain your reasoning. Ask for clarification if necessary. If appropriate, you might share your emotions as well. Then, be specific about any requests of your own. Assertive behavior may include relaxed gestures, steady eye contact and an appropriate facial expression. Your voice is also important. Consider your volume and tone and adjust as necessary depending on the situation.


Characteristics
Friendship can have a direct impact on your health. Healthy friendships have been found to lower stress levels and increase self-esteem, social interaction and cognitive functioning, particularly among elderly adults. Healthy friendships can also lead to better self-care.
On the flip side, conflict with a friend can negatively affect your health. You may find yourself physically exhausted. You may gain or lose weight, or have sleep or appetite changes. Psychologically, you may feel angry, guilty, jealous or smothered. You may develop self-doubt, emotional dependency, or the inability or unwillingness to trust. Socially, you may have difficulty asserting yourself or display manipulative or passive-aggressive behavior.

Sometimes, conflict with a friend can be more than you're able to handle at the time. Symptoms such as sleep disturbances, decreased energy, changes in appetite, anxiety, depression, inability to concentrate and hopelessness may warrant further evaluation by a health care professional.

As with all physical symptoms, consult your medical health care provider to rule out a medical condition. If these or any other symptoms cause you distress that doesn't seem to improve, seek additional help and support from a mental health care professional.


Coping strategies
When you're experiencing conflict with a friend, gain perspective by developing an awareness of your own needs. Look past any issues that may cloud the real concerns and clarify the actual problem.
Avoid bringing anyone else into the conflict with your friend. Communicate concerns with your friend in an open, respectful manner that invites further conversation and problem solving. Be assertive without being passive or aggressive. It may be helpful to brush up on tips for effective communication and follow fair fighting rules.

It's also important to balance the amount of time you spend alone and with your loved ones and other friends. Self-help resources, such as reliable books or even a support group, may also be helpful. If necessary, seek short-term counseling to help identify and prioritize problems and develop solutions.