Divorce and children

Overview
In the United States, about 40 to 60 percent of all first marriages end in divorce. Divorce can have a deep and long-lasting effect on children and their families.
Children experience many changes when parents divorce. For example, they may not have immediate access to both parents. Emotional availability may also change. Sometimes, one parent moves away and loses contact with the children. It's not uncommon for a parent to renege on promises to the children. The additional responsibilities of a single parent may increase the stress level in a home.

There are many other changes children may experience after a divorce, including additional responsibilities, a new financial status and different living arrangements, plus the potential change in authority structure. The children may need to attend new schools and make new friends. If one parent used to be at home full-time, that may also change. Even pets, toys and comfort items available in the home may change. Certainly, rituals and holidays may be celebrated differently.

Children may have a range of emotions when their parents divorce. How each child experiences and expresses his or her emotions is unique. Some children turn their pain inward and withdraw, while others turn their pain outward and act out or misbehave. Often, children feel responsible for the divorce because they misbehaved or didn't perform well enough in school. Some children have physical symptoms or complain of illness.

On the positive side, the divorce may help the parents feel calmer and argue less, which is often a relief for the children. The children may spend more individual time with each parent and form closer relationships in the long run.


Impact of divorce at specific developmental stages
Logically, infants don't understand the concept of divorce. They may notice changes at home, however, and respond with changes in sleeping or eating habits. To ease the transition for your infant, try to maintain a normal, calm routine and ensure contact with both parents.
Toddlers understand that a parent has moved out of the home, but they don't know why. Toddlers may become more clingy, show baby-like behaviors, and express themselves through temper tantrums and irritability. Nurture and reasssure your toddler, maintain a daily routine, and spend one-on-one time with him or her.

Preschoolers often recognize that their parents are upset, even though they don't know why. Preschoolers often worry about what will happen after the divorce. They may fear abandonment and feel responsible for the divorce. To help your preschooler, encourage the expression of feelings through play, and encourage your child to share any concerns. Simple explanations and reassurances may also be helpful.

Elementary-aged children may begin to understand the concept of divorce. Remember that children are keen observers, but poor interpreters of behavior. They often feel deceived and rejected by the absent parent. They may experience changes in eating and sleeping habits, become irritable and angry at both parents, and withdraw socially. They may turn their feelings either inward or outward. Help your elementary-aged child by providing reassurance. Encourage your child to talk about his or her thoughts and feelings, and be sensitive to symptoms of depression. Inform your child's teacher about the divorce as well.

Preteens and adolescents understand the concept of divorce, but often do not accept their parents' decision. They often feel angry, betrayed and rejected, and they may judge their parents harshly. Help your preteen or adolescent by encouraging positive coping mechanisms and expression of feelings.


Characteristics
For children as well as adults, the effects of a divorce can appear in many ways. To help children through this time, learn to identify and understand the potential characteristics.
Physically, children may have physical complaints or persistent minor illnesses such as colds or the flu. Bowel and bladder disturbances such as bedwetting may also occur.

As with all physical symptoms, consult your child's medical health care provider to rule out a medical condition.

Psychological symptoms may include guilt, shame and self-blame. Children may be confused, have difficulty concentrating and be easily frustrated, threatened or angered. They may experience separation anxiety, and feel rejected and lonely. Grief, a sense of loss and abandonment, and fear of further abandonment are also common. Many children have difficulty trusting others after experiencing a divorce. Some develop a pessimistic attitude or isolate themselves. Depending on the circumstances, an immense sense of relief may also occur.

Socially, children may reject authority, run away or withdraw from family or friends.

Sometimes, adjusting to life after divorce may be more than a child can handle at the time. Symptoms such as sleep disturbances, decreased energy, changes in appetite, anxiety, depression, inability to concentrate and hopelessness may warrant further evaluation by a health care professional.

If these or any other symptoms cause the child distress that doesn't seem to improve, seek additional help and support from a mental health care professional.


Coping strategies for parents
When you're going through a divorce, don't hide the coping process from your children. Instead, offer reassurance by reminding them the divorce was not their fault and both parents still love them.
Prepare your children by helping them understand what changes they'll face in regard to new living arrangements, responsibilities and visitation from the other parent. Keep your children informed by providing honest, simple, age-appropriate information.

The first year after the divorce, keep daily living as consistent as you can. If possible, keep the children in the home they're used to and at the same school or child care facility. Tell the supportive people in your children's lives, such as teachers, coaches, youth ministers, child care providers, school counselors, a therapist or trusted friends or relative, about the divorce. Do not threaten your children with abandonment as a way to ensure obedience.

Take time to listen to your children's concerns. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know their feelings are normal. Understand that your children will experience a range of feelings -- and they're all OK.

Provide a sense of security and stability for your children. Reassure your children that things will be OK.

Allow your children to love both parents. Don't talk negatively about the other parent in front of your children. Also, don't use your children to convey messages or "get back" at the other parent. Children have the right to have positive relationships with both parents. They should not feel guilty or be worried about upsetting one parent simply by having a good relationship with the other. Remind them that both parents love them, and be fair when talking about the other parent.

Set aside personal time for yourself and each child individually. Offer your children additional comfort, pampering and nurturing during this difficult time. Remember to take good care of yourself at the same time. If needed, consider seeking professional help.

Encourage and support your children's individual interests. Provide an opportunity for your children to focus on what they like to do and to simply be kids. Pursuing their interests can help children build their self-esteem as well.

As parents, make sure that you both remain involved in the lives of your children. It's important to continue attending school conferences and functions, staying involved in extracurricular activities, etc. Children have the right to expect both parents to attend special events, including birthdays, graduations and religious ceremonies. Particularly when a conflict arises about decisions affecting your children, keep the best interests of your children first and foremost in your mind.


Coping strategies for children and adolescents
Depending on age and developmental stage, the following suggestions may be helpful for children or teens whose parents are divorcing.
Talk about your feelings. You may be most comfortable with friends, neighbors and other siblings or family members. You can also speak with a counselor, either alone or with your family.

Set limits with your parents about what they can say about each other in front of you. Tell your parents you love both of them, and it upsets you to hear one speak badly about the other. Remind your parents how you feel when they say negative things about each other. You may have to remind them more than once.

Ask your parents to communicate directly with each other. Let them know it's not fair to make you the messenger.

Remember it's OK to show both parents you love them. Call or write the parent who's not there if you miss him or her or feel lonely.

Keep special possessions in each home. There may be a favorite item you want to keep with you all the time, no matter where you're staying.

Keep an open mind about having two homes. Make a schedule to remember when you'll be in each parent's home. Try to respect the rules of each house, even if they're different.

Be patient with yourself. You may experience a lot of different feelings, some of which may be frightening or uncomfortable. Remember, you have a right to your feelings, no matter what they are.

Try to avoid playing one parent against the other. Each parent may hold different views about parenting, and you must follow the rules that each parent sets. And remember, one parent may not be able to afford as many luxuries for you as the other parent. It does not mean he or she loves you any less.


Summary
Divorce can be traumatic for parents and children alike. Realize that children will experience a wide variety of emotions, even at a very young age, and give them the opportunity to share their feelings. Remember, open and honest communication is often the key to successful adjustment.