Blended families

Overview
The "typical" American family has changed substantially in recent decades. The traditional nuclear family -- with a mother, father and children who live together under the same roof -- is no longer the norm. Due to a rising divorce rate and other factors, many Americans now live in nontraditional or blended families.
Blended families, in which parents and children come together from previous marriages or relationships, face countless challenges. For example, many blended families have financial concerns related to alimony, child support payments and the costs of joint custody. Conflicts over spending money on children may also arise. Legal issues, such as divorce decrees and court-ordered child custody arrangements, may lead parents to feel powerless over their own lives, in addition to juggling visitation or shared custody. Compounding the situation, remarriage often brings up unresolved anger, pain and feelings of loss for both adults and children.

The dynamics within a blended family can be confusing as parents and children compete for new roles or positions. Each person often struggles to define his or her place in the new family. Adjusting to a blended family may be the most difficult for younger adolescents between ages 10 and 14, since the normal developmental need for independence may conflict with attempts to bond as a new family.

Former spouses or partners can add to the confusion and conflict, especially if hard feelings still exist. Interacting with a variety of family members (ex-spouses and their new partners, grandparents and other extended family members of each spouse, for example) can be confusing, exhausting and sometimes painful for everyone. Juggling the needs of so many different people can be a daunting task. People in blended families are often torn by conflicting loyalties, such as, "Do I feel more loyalty toward my new spouse or my child?"


Turning points in blended family development
Turning points are actions or events that significantly alter a relationship, either positively or negatively. By definition, blended families experience changes in household or family composition. Adults may move in together or get married, children may move into or out of the house, or new children may be born. Relocating or even moving across town can be a positive experience for the adults who are making a fresh start. The same move can be a negative experience for the children if they feel uprooted, however. Employment changes for one or both adults or returning to school may also be turning points. Sometimes the nonresidential parent moves too far away for the children to have regular visits. He or she may also remarry or form a stepfamily of his or her own. Any turning point can be significant as the blended family forms.
Religious or cultural holidays, family events such as birthdays or graduations, family vacations and even leisure activities can also be turning points for blended families. Events involving friends or relatives of those in the blended family can be particularly complex, especially if the friends or relatives have not been accepted by other members of the blended family.

Conflicts, disappointments, and unmet or unrealistic expectations within the blended family are other common turning points. On the flip side, moments of reconciliation and effective problem resolution can result in feelings of greater closeness and increase the opportunity to truly feel like a family. Acts of kindness between stepparents and stepchildren, such as gift-giving or friendly gestures, are often significant.


Characteristics
For both children and adults, the stress of adjusting to a new set of family members can appear in a variety of physical, mental and psychological characteristics.
Physical symptoms may include fatigue, difficulty "getting going" and stress-related complaints.

Psychological symptoms may include:

anger, irritability, moodiness and low tolerance for frustration
low self-esteem and self-doubt
feelings of grief and loss
feelings of inadequacy, helplessness, shame, guilt and misunderstanding
mental or emotional fatigue
cynical and pessimistic attitude
You or other family members may also feel isolated, unappreciated, overwhelmed or out of control. Your support system may feel inadequate, and it may be difficult to ask for or accept emotional support. You may notice increased conflict with certain family members or former partners. Attempts to control each other's behavior may increase. Wanting to avoid or escape the situation is common. Children may provoke strife between natural parents. At work, you may be late or absent more often, work longer hours and be less productive. Intimacy with your partner may suffer.

Sometimes, adjusting to life in a blended family can be more than you're able to handle at the time. Symptoms such as sleep disturbances, decreased energy, changes in appetite, anxiety, depression, inability to concentrate and hopelessness may warrant further evaluation by a health care professional.

As with all physical symptoms, consult your medical health care provider to rule out a medical condition. If these or any other symptoms cause you distress that doesn't seem to improve, seek additional help and support from a mental health care professional.


Coping strategies
To successfully adjust to life as a blended family, remember to be patient. Give yourself plenty of time to cope with all the changes.
Strengthen your parenting relationship with your partner. Discuss parenting roles, beliefs and expectations. It may help to take a parenting class and/or work with a counselor. Develop simple, explicit rules for your children to follow. In most cases, it's often best for each parent to be the primary disciplinarian for his or her own children, with the stepparent filling in for emergencies and gradually taking on the role of an emerging parent. Remember, parents are most effective when they provide a unified front. Instead of reacting immediately to a child's request, confer with your spouse and make a mutual decision.

Schedule regular family meetings to deal with the changes and confusion often associated with life as a blended family. Identify some of the challenges your blended family will likely face up front. Create new family traditions and rituals to strengthen the bonds between blended family members.

Keep relationships with former partners as friendly as possible. Children often adjust the most successfully when both parents stay actively involved in their lives and remain on good terms. Help your children build or maintain positive relationships with your former partner. Recognize and accept the differences between your two households. Consider if the dynamics of your past relationship still involve any efforts youk through your grief about the loss of the former relationship.

Be patient with the children. Contrary to popular myth, love takes time to develop. Set aside some one-on-one time for each of your children and stepchildren, and respect their individual needs and wants. If your children or stepchildren want to vent their feelings about the divorce or remarriage, listen openly and validate their feelings. Remember that they're are also dealing with their own loss issues.

Give your relationships with your stepchildren time to grow and develop naturally. Forcing closeness is often ineffective. Sometimes, it may even damage your relationship. Encourage the children to call you by your given name to avoid confusion and conflict about parenting roles.

Keep in mind the challenges of raising children between two households. Although it's ideal to strive for as much consistency between households as possible, sometimes you may need to recognize and accept the differences. Encourage your children and stepchildren to maintain control over clothes and other personal items, even if they now share closets or bedrooms. Keep the children's teachers informed of family changes that may affect their social behavior or school performance.

Consider counseling with a professional who is experienced in blended family concerns. Depending on the circumstances, you may prefer individual, group or family sessions, or a combination of sessions. It may also be helpful to attend a community support group for blended families, as well as learn communication and conflict resolution skills. If necessary, seek financial or legal consultation/counseling.

Seek help immediately if you think your children or stepchildren are depressed or suicidal. Serious reactions to life as a blended family can occur and should be handled appropriately.

Adjust your attitude about yourself and your new family. Your blended family differs significantly from the "traditional" family of the past. That will not change. This isn't necessarily bad, however -- just different. Accept responsibility for the things you can control and let go of those you can't. Take care of yourself while you're accepting your feelings and adjusting to your new life. And remember, your children are dealing with the same situation, too.


Summary
Your blended family is your new family. Be patient with yourself and your new family members as you all learn to adjust. By working together, you can begin to form the bonds that will help you create a healthy family unit.