Infidelity

Overview
An affair can be anything from a one-night stand to a long-term relationship occurring within a committed, monogamous relationship. Although such intimate affairs can be sexual, affairs can also take place without sex. Emotional affairs are marked by a greater emotional intimacy than in the marital relationship, secrecy and deception from the spouse, and sexual chemistry (although not necessarily sexual activity). Emotional affairs can also include affairs over the Internet in which intimacy, secrecy and chemistry are present even though the two parties may have never physically met.
Fifteen percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands in the United States report having engaged in extramarital sex. When emotional affairs or sexual intimacies without sex are included, the rate increases by 20 percent for both men and women. Extramarital involvement is the catalyst for about 50 percent of couples who seek treatment with marriage and family therapists.


Causes of infidelity
Infidelity can have many root causes. Here are some common issues that may lead to affairs.
Conflict avoidance: Couples who are inept or uncomfortable with acknowledging and managing conflict might avoidconflicts in the relationship by escaping into an affair.

Intimacy avoidance: Couples who tend to be connected to each other mainly through frequent and intense conflict may devise barriers to intimacy, such as an affair. In these cases, both partners are usually involved in affairs, whether they're current or past affairs.

Retribution: Sometimes, one partner wants to "get back" at the other partner by having an affair. This may be payback for the other person having an affair or another perceived wrongdoing.

Sexual addiction: A person may use sexual activity and affairs as a way of numbing feelings of inner pain and emptiness. A person struggling with a sexual addiction has a need to engage in increasingly risky sexual behavior to achieve the same "high." Of course, the increased risk may increase the chance of getting caught in the act. Partners of people who have a sexual addiction often display codependent traits, such as losing their sense of self, having poor boundaries, or feeling responsible for the partner's sexual behavior.

"Split self": When one partner attempts to make the relationship work by suppressing his or her own needs to those of the other partner, the family or the relationship, his or her needs may be consistently unmet. In turn, he or she may have an affair to fulfill those needs. This often presents a dilemma of having to choose between the partner and the person with whom he or she is having the affair.

Desire to end the relationship: In this case, one partner has made a decision to divorce or leave the other partner. He or she may have an affair to prove the relationship has truly ended.

Poor self-esteem: When a partner feels undervalued, particularly by his or her partner, an affair may be a way to boost self-esteem and to prove he or she can still attract a partner.


Characteristics
Infidelity may have physical, psychological and social effects on both partners. For example, you may notice stress-related physical complaints, such as fatigue or changes in sleeping or eating patterns.
The unfaithful partner may feel ashamed, which may result in minimizing the affair through statements such as, "It was only a one-night stand. It meant nothing." You may blame your partner for the affair or hesitate to disclose details of the affair. If you're maintaining secrecy about an affair, you may feel you're living a double life. When the affair ends, you may experience psychological withdrawal from the person with whom you were having the affair. This can result in feelings of depression, loneliness, neediness, preoccupation and a desire for renewed contact with the "other" man or woman. You may experience disenfranchised grief over the loss of the affair if the loss can't be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported. You may also feel relieved after disclosing the affair or become impatient to "move on."

The partner who was cheated on may feel jealous, shocked and ashamed. This may be accompanied by feeling helpless or somehow responsible for the affair. ("If only I were more attractive, weighed less," etc.) You may be angry and grill the other person for details of the affair, feel self-righteous, or refuse to acknowledge your part in any relationship problems leading to the affair. Other common emotional reactions include mistrust or questioning the unfaithful partner. You might demand to know your partner's whereabouts at all times or want to be free of the relationship. Low self-esteem may develop. You may obsess over the details of the affair or the "other" man or woman and have more arguments with your partner.

You may also feel a loss of identity or a lack of connection to others because life isn't the same and the loss is difficult to define. You may lose self-respect if you felt that you should have seen signs of the affair or you forfeited a sense of values to get your partner back. Losing a sense of purpose or the will to live may lead to self-harm.

Symptoms such as decreased energy, anxiety, depression, inability to concentrate and hopelessness may warrant further evaluation by a health care professional.

As with all physical symptoms, consult your medical health care provider to rule out a medical condition. If these or any other symptoms cause you distress that doesn't seem to improve, seek additional help and support from a mental health care professional.


Coping strategies
Infidelity does not necessarily doom a relationship to failure. Couples may be able to reconcile and strengthen their relationship after an affair. Adequate time for therapy and healing are essential. It usually takes about one to two years of couples' counseling for a couple to regain their equilibrium and rebuild trust after an affair. Couples often experience an initial burst of optimism and goodwill when beginning therapy. These feelings often dissipate, however, when they begin to confront painful realities and start the "work" of therapy.
To recover from an affair, both partners have several tasks. The partner having the affair must end it unconditionally. This means no phone calls, letters, lunches, e-mails or other types of personal contact with the "other" man or woman. If you must have continued contact with the person through a work setting or other group activity, boundaries must be kept clear and professional. Be willing to disclose all pertinent facts of the affair to the extent that your partner asks for or expects them. Pertinent facts may not include all details. Allow time to regain your partner's trust. Over time, honesty and consistency will help rebuild trust. This process may take months or years. Commit yourself to the relationship again. This includes not only a promise of fidelity, but demonstrated honesty and fidelity over time. Acknowledge your own part in any relationship problems that led to the affair and work on resolving those problems. Attend to any concerns about potential sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV testing, with your doctor.

The partner who was cheated on also has specific tasks to encourage recovery. Allow yourself to experience the normal feelings of depression, anger and shock that accompany infidelity. Attempting to disown these emotions may only breed more resentment toward your partner. Listen to what your partner has to say about the affair, but do not interrogate him or her. Often, interrogating causes the other person to become defensive and less honest. Before asking for information, consider carefully how much and what sort of information you want or need to recover from the affair and rebuild trust in your partner. Acknowledge your own part in any relationship problems that led to the affair, and work on resolving those problems. Remember that acknowledging your own part in any relationship problems does not translate into taking blame for the affair. It's also important to work on forgiving your partner. Forgiveness is an intentional process not dependent on your partner apologizing or asking for forgiveness. The amount of time required for forgiveness may vary depending on the circumstances. Another important note: To forgive does not mean to forget. You simply let go of your resentment and perceived right for revenge.