Grandparents parenting grandchildren

Overview
Grandparents are accepting the responsibility of raising their grandchildren more than ever before. In fact, an estimated 6 percent of children under age 18 are being raised by a grandparent in the United States.
Grandparents may raise their grandchildren for a number of reasons, including abandonment, parental drug or alcohol abuse, mental or physical illness, incarceration, neglect, abuse, divorce, economic factors (such as job loss or poverty), teenage parenthood, or the death of one or both parents. Grandparents raising their grandchildren often experience frustration, feeling great responsibility without commensurate authority. Role reversal is common when the parents remain involved in the situation -- the grandparents assume the role of parents and the childction from doing so.


Characteristics
Becoming a parent again can trigger a variety of physical, emotional and psychological issues. Physically, you may be fatigued and notice stress-related symptoms, such as muscle tension or aches, headaches or digestive distress. Or, you may experience an exacerbation of any existing health problems, such as cardiovascular or gastrointestinal conditions or arthritis.
Psychologically, you may feel angry or resentful toward your son or daughter. Depending on the circumstances, this may trigger feelings of guilt or thoughts that you're to blame for the situation. It's common to have doubts and fears, and you may also be ashamed, worried, disappointed or overwhelmed. If you're married or in an intimate relationship, you may worry how your new parenting role will impact the existing relationship. Of course, positive feelings may surface as well. Many grandparents feel relief, compassion and a sense of good will by caring for their grandchildren.

On a practical level, you may need to make changes in your daily routine or lifestyle. You may have less time for social activities, sense a general lack of freedom, or feel the need to modify your plans for retirement and other future activities.

Financially, returning to parenthood may lead to early or delayed retirement, a return to work or a change in working hours. Depending on the circumstances, there may be a lack of financial support from the child's parents. You may become responsible for the child's medical or legal expenses, sometimes with few suggestions from social workers or court personnel. You may also need to change your living arrangements. In some cases, this may require dipping into your retirement funds or other savings accounts. Some grandparents need to borrow money or take out a second mortgage or reverse mortgage. Again, depending on the circumstances, there may be little money left over for personal pursuits.

Sometimes raising a grandchild can be more than you can handle at the time. Symptoms such as sleep disturbances, decreased energy, changes in appetite, anxiety, depression, inability to concentrate and hopelessness may warrant further evaluation by a health care professional.

As with all physical symptoms, consult your medical health care provider to rule out a medical condition. If these or any other symptoms cause you distress that doesn't seem to improve, seek additional help and support from a mental health care professional.


Coping strategies
Returning to parenthood may be difficult. To cope with your new responsibilities and emotions, consider the following suggestions:
Know that it is common to experience complex emotional dynamics. Expect to have conflicting feelings and loyalties about your new role. You may also wonder how much freedom you have to use your own judgment and parenting skills.

Remain aware of what's happening in your grandchild's life. Take an active role in his or her academic and social development, and make connections in your grandchild's school. Also, find out what issues your grandchild is facing, as well as current issues for today's youth. You may worry about raising a child in today's society. After all, this is a much different world than when you raised your own child. That doesn't reduce your parenting ability, however.

Acknowledge the feelings of grief and loss you may be experiencing. Consider what returning to parenthood means to you and your grandchild in terms of roles, expectations and developmental needs.

Set goals consistent with your new role. Consider your grandchild's needs as well as your own. Support groups, parenting groups or classes, and individual or family counseling may be helpful in this endeavor. Also, be aware of your own needs and establish ways to meet them.

Make sure your authority as a grandparent is equal to your responsibility. For example, it is important to have the authority from your child to discipline your grandchild as you see necessary. If you don't have this authority, you may feel limited in your ability to parent your grandchild. This may also create confusion for your child.

Maintain an optimistic attitude. Be patient as you adjust to your new role. Recognize that change will not happen overnight.

If possible, consider helping your son or daughter develop a cooperative relationship with you and a consistent relationship with the child. Sadly in some cases, however, this may not be possible. Some grandparents may need to assume the unwanted role of protecting a grandchild from his or her parents.

If necessary, seek additional support for you and your grandchild. Depending on the circumstances, you may consider individual or family counseling, support groups, respite care, legal or financial consultation, guardian ad litem (a person who represents and advocates for a child's best interest during the legal process) services or mediation.


Summary
Raising a grandchild is a monumental task. Adjusting to your new role may take time, but eventually the pride, excitement and love you may have felt parenting your own child can return with parenting your grandchild. By making the best of a difficult situation, you may come to enjoy the special bond you're likely to form with your grandchild.