Family meetings: Tips for success

When your family is faced with conflict, family meetings can allow each family member to see other positions or points of view. Family meetings are not meant to be a substitute for parental authority or responsibility. Rather, family meetings can be used to resolve conflicts, discuss family concerns, and make family decisions, such as where to go on a family vacation. Family meetings can also be used to set family rules for all family members, including the adults; share family successes; or simply understand each other better. Finally, these meetings can help you maintain communication and a feeling of connection within your family. To make the most of each meeting, keep the following suggestions in mind.

Approach the subject of family meetings during a calm period, rather than in the middle of a conflict. It's also wise to establish regularly scheduled meeting times. Agree on a time when everyone can feel relaxed and focus on the issues at hand. It's often best to avoid using dinnertime as family meeting time. If meetings are postponed or canceled, all members should agree. Reaffirm that it's everyone's responsibility to honor the commitment. The day, time and place should be the highest priority. Family members need to know that decisions made at meetings will affect their welfare and that attending the meetings will allow them to give their input. Ideally, all family members should attend, but don't wait for everyone to show up -- attendance should be voluntary. If a family is to be successful, family members will want to participate.

Establish a framework and rules for family meetings. You may want to consider making an agenda. To encourage participation from everyone, post it several days in advance and let family members add items to the agenda as they wish.

During each meeting, allow everyone the chance to be heard and to have a say in the final decision. If young children are involved, tailor each meeting to meet their needs. Respect all viewpoints, and avoid using the family meeting to criticize, interrupt, correct or lecture. Balance the positive with the negative -- compliments with complaints, for example.

Use "I" statements, such as, "I feel frustrated when we argue about curfews." Avoid "you" statements, such as, "You always miss your Friday night curfew." Remember to listen to what the other family members have to say.

One family member controlling the meeting is often a roadblock to a successful family meeting. Other roadblocks may include using family meetings only to handle crises or limiting meetings to assigning tasks and discipline. Focusing on complaints and criticisms, failing to follow through with agreements, frequently changing meeting times, or sporadic attendance from certain family members can also hinder the success of family meetings.

Keep the meetings focused and short in duration, and try to reach decisions by consensus as often as possible. Finally, understand that the meetings will change over time to reflect the differences in your family members and your family's needs.