Conflict with a significant other

Overview
Sadly, 40 to 60 percent of all first marriages in the United States end in divorce, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. Sixty percent of all remarriages in the United States also end in divorce.
Marital conflict is complex and may be the result of miscommunication, misunderstanding or other stressors. The ability to manage conflict may be hindered by individual factors for either partner.


Characteristics
Physically, conflict with your significant other may lead to physical exhaustion, weight gain or loss, or other stress-related physical complaints. Psychologically, you may become angry, jealous or feel disrespected. You may have an inability or unwillingness to trust. Socially, you may pay more attention to your significant other's needs and less to your own. You may blame your significant other or avoid conflict with him or her. Dredging up issues from the past can also occur.
Sometimes, conflict with a significant other can be more than you're able to handle at the time. Symptoms such as sleep disturbances, decreased energy, changes in appetite, anxiety, depression, inability to concentrate and hopelessness may warrant further evaluation by a health care professional.

As with all physical symptoms, consult your medical health care provider to rule out a medical condition. If these or any other symptoms cause you distress that doesn't seem to improve, seek additional help and support from a mental health care professional.

Healthy relationships
The ability to establish healthy relationships as an adult often stems from your experiences as a child. A secure, nurturing attachment with your primary parenting figure can lay the foundation for a lifetime of healthy attachments. Healthy relationships are characterized by a sense of mutual comfort, closeness and dependence. In a healthy relationship, neither person is concerned about being abandoned or letting the other person get too close. The need for attachment is balanced with the need for independence and respect for each person's individuality.

If you are adequately cared for as a child, you're likely to treat your loved ones the same way. Positive childhood experiences give you the ability to serve as a safe haven for others in times of crisis and help your loved ones grow and explore. You recognize when another person needs care and how to work together to meet those needs.

Unhealthy relationships
If your primary parenting figure is cold or rejecting, you may grow up to have trouble forming close, healthy relationships. You may be uncomfortable or feel smothered or anxious if anyone gets too close. You may have trouble trusting loved ones or allowing yourself to depend on other people and keep your distress to yourself. You may sense a loved one wants more intimacy than you feel comfortable giving and not enjoy physical contact. You may become suspicious of the other person's intentions and reluctant to turn to others for support. Some people avoid close relationships to prevent being hurt or rejected. Others do so to maintain a defensive sense of being self-reliant and independent.

If your primary parenting figure provides inconsistent nurturing or affection, you may grow up to be ambivalent about attachment. You may seek emotional closeness but find it unsatisfying or inadequate. You may become overly dependent on other people to meet your emotional needs or feel that others are not sufficiently responsive to your needs. You might sense that others are reluctant to get as close as you would like or your demands for intimacy drive them away. You might feel the need to "merge completely" with another person and have trouble maintaining healthy boundaries within the relationship. Disproportionate feelings of jealousy are common, as well as particular difficulty coping with breakups. You may worry that your partner does not really love you, and that he or she will leave. You may emphasize attachment over independence -- both for yourself and the other person -- feeling threatened by any independent actions. Feelings of loneliness may be exaggerated.

If you're not adequately cared for as a child, you may become unable or unwilling to help others in times of crisis. You may discourage (or refuse to encourage or allow) the other person's growth and exploration. You may not be sensitive to what another person needs or how to meet those needs. You may seem emotionally distant. You may feel the need to control the other person.


Coping strategies
All couples -- even those who have strong, healthy relationships -- have areas of conflict. How the conflict is managed helps determine the health of the relationship.
Practice effective communication skills and follow fair fighting rules. Perhaps surprisingly, the outcome of an argument is often determined by a partner's actions in the first three minutes of the argument. If possible, do not argue when you start to experience a flood of physiological reactions. This tends to escalate conflict and leads to worse outcomes. For example, if your heart rate noticeably increases, take a 10- to 15-minute time-out to relax before discussing the issue further. Be aware of any potential for domestic abuse.

Avoid bringing anyone else into the conflict with your significant other. As a couple, consider seeing a counselor for help identifying and prioritizing problems and developing solutions.

Keep in mind that children are often active participants and keen observers in the family, but poor interpreters. In basic terms, acknowledge that a conflict exists, but do not overwhelm your children with details or specifics. Reassure them that you are addressing the issue. Be careful to avoid aligning or alienating your children, and do not expect or allow them to intervene. If necessary, offer your children additional support.


When a relationship ends
If you and your significant other decide to end your relationship, cope with the breakup in a healthful manner. Maintain appropriate boundaries with each other, which may mean no phone calls, e-mails or other personal contact while you're grieving the loss of the relationship. Of course, limited contact might be necessary if children are involved. You may also want to consider dissolving any joint ventures, such as family businesses or real estate investments.
Allow sufficient time to grieve the loss of the relationship. This may vary greatly from one person to the next, depending on the length and intensity of the relationship. While you're healing, resist the temptation to seek out another romantic relationship for comfort or turn to your former significant other to vent frustrations, fears, anger or hurt feelings. He or she may be experiencing some of these feelings as well, and may not be in a position to offer a supportive response.

Keep in mind that intimate partners are often ambivalent about breakups. This factor alone is not necessarily a cue to get back together, however. Such ambivalence is often part of the denial and bargaining phases of the grief process. Work through the grieving process before moving forward, whether that means reconciliation or a permanent breakup.

Find other social activities in which to emotionally reinvest, such as team sports, outings with friends or community activities. You might even renew hobbies or interests that lapsed during the relationship. Finally, remember the importance of proper self-care. Eat healthfully, get plenty of rest, and exercise regularly. Avoid drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism.